merry christmas

Tuesday, April 05 2011 20:34

I don’t like writing blog entries. There. I said it. And I love to write, and it’s not you. I think it’s the sense that I can’t be fully honest, that I have to present a Christmas letter level of optimism or confidence, and frankly I just don’t have it in me to put up any more fronts than I already do in life. (Especially not in the name of music).

That’s not to say I fake it in other areas, but sometimes - often, and I’m not proud of this - it’s easier to leave out the painfully honest, uncertain stuff in favor of the generalized, “everything’s going great” synopsis.

Not here. Not no more...

I’m in a rutty place, and it can do me no worse to admit it to you. It’s weird, like even for this blog entry, I sat down with a feeling to write, and so I turned on the computer, and you know what I did next? I googled “minimalist word processor” so I could try typing on a new platform. (I settled on WriteRoom. So far, so good.) And then, did I reach into the depths of my soul and start writing, distraction-free (as promised by the people behind WriteRoom)? No, not before being struck by the idea that I could take minimalism to a mind-blowing level if I tracked down the color scheme of Doogie Howser’s word processor, and applied it to mine; then there could be no obstacle between me and perfect, sharply-focused nuggets of inspiration.

No nuggets yet.

But you should see my screen, it’s pretty awesome.

And therein lies my problem: I sit down to type and spend an hour twiddling knobs, like that has anything to do with writing… it’s just another way to put off the possibility of failure.

So how is the album going?

“Everything is going great!”

It hasn’t been easy… to find time to work on it, to find missing verse lyrics, or to find the right notes when I’m singing. Then I get anxious and maybe overly hard on myself, which scares away any creativity. And that’s when FBS (Fat Bastard Syndrome) sets in… you know… I X because I’m Y, and I’m Y because I X… in other words, a spiraling cycle of self-destruction.

I’m sticking with it though, seeing it through. And small bursts of inspiration find me when I least expect them, though they often go limp as fast as Michigan J. Frog the moment I recognize them as opportunities. And that’s okay, I’m learning to just savor them as they are. Something’s cookin’ in there… I’ll keep checking, and stirring, and checking, and stirring… and when it’s ready, I’ll be ready for it.